When Hello Means Goodbye- losing my baby

I wasn’t able to write about Logan’s birth earlier, it was too soon. Now I feel the need to write to help remember. The more time that passes, the more I want to hang on. It’s as though he’s slipping away from me and I hate it. I don’t want him to be a memory, I want him here with me. I want to honor him and share him and remember every moment we were blessed with him.

This has taken me months to write. Some of it may not make sense to those reading it, and that’s okay. It does to me. Parts of what I write may seem insignificant, but every moment was part of a bigger picture in our journey. I don’t want to forget a thing.

After we got the devastating news at the cardiologist appointment, we were able to go home. Melissa Kilner took photos of the three of us as a family, photos we will cherish forever.

We had an appointment at 4pm to go see another specialist. Kougar and Renee drove us there and stayed in the waiting room for us. The doctor took Stephen and I to an exam room and sat us down. I had my vitals taken and we talked about the next steps. I expressed my concerns that I wanted to be sure that his heart had really stopped, even though I knew in my heart that he was gone, but I had to be sure. The doppler of course verified Logan had no heartbeat. More tears.

We then moved into another room, where I had a very unpleasant procedure. They placed a few Laminaria sticks in my cervix, which is a dried type of seaweed. This softens and dilates the cervix naturally & helps kickstart the labor process.

http://gynexcorporation.com/laminaria3mm.aspx

After the procedure, we went back home. Friends and family came over to be with us, it was nice to be there and not at the hospital. I started having bad cramps almost right after the procedure that kept up throughout the night. Thankfully I was able to get a little bit of sleep though. I woke up around 6 and waited until 7am to call labor & delivery to see if they had room for me. They did, so we slowly made our way to the hospital. This should have been an exciting time…. but it was full of feeling anxious, scared, nervous… & not the normal first time mom jitters. I had a pit in my stomach. We went knowing at the end of it all we would not be able to hold our son alive.

Stephen and I checked in to Tacoma General at 8am on February 5th. They gave me a gown to change into and had someone come register me. After that, Stephen and I spent a little bit of time by ourselves. The room was quiet, it was clean. The blinds to outside were closed, but the sun was showing itself through the small openings. We brought our laptop and were getting caught up on Grey’s Anatomy (or more so I was, and Steve was watching with me). Stephen stayed in the bed with me while we waited for the next step.

Katie arrived and soon after that our Nurse (Lisa) came in to meet us. It wasn’t long before it was time for my IV. An 18g in my left wrist. OUCH! She used lidocaine to numb it, but it did little to ease the pain.

I was really thankful when our midwife Anna showed up. We talked about the options, and Anna said we should try to induce labor with the medication, Cytotec (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misoprostol). She warned us that it can take a really long time, but when it works, it REALLY works. We decided to try the Cytotec before anything else. I took the first dose and waited…

More family and friends came to join us. I loved that we had people with us the whole time. I felt like there were people in and out of our room all day. The day seemed to drag on, but at the same time went pretty quickly. Our grief counselor from MFM came to see us, as well as a counselor from the hospital.

Contractions would come and go, get strong and fast, and then all of a sudden slow down until they almost stopped completely. About every 4-6 hours I was given another dose of Cytotec (I believe the limit is 5 doses). I can not remember the timeline exactly, but I know that I wanted to wait as long as I could to take any pain medications. My thought was that I wanted to be present in the moment, as much as possible. Since I wasn’t getting any pain medications and didn’t have an epidural I was able to get up, walk around and eat at certain times. I could eat two hours after given the medication up until an hour before the next dose. I had a smoothie and pretzels during two of the breaks.

Before I knew it, it was shift change and we got a new nurse. I didn’t want the nurse I had to leave! She was great at her job and she was so trustworthy. She had this calming/ comforting nature about her. I remember a couple times she placed her hand on my shoulder & arm… almost as to remind me that I could do this and she was there if I needed anything. I was scared! I have never been more terrified in my whole life.

In order to pass the time and create a distraction, we watched a movie… I picked out Mean Girls. We even made a trip to the cafeteria. I got too anxious sitting in the room so I’m glad I was able to get up and walk.

I got in the bath tub a few times, it helped with the pain to an extent. Stephen sat on the floor next to me and played music on the ipad which also made me feel better.

Eventually I could not hold off on the pain medication any more. I ended up getting some dilaudid. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but before I knew it I was throwing up. That was enough of that. At around 4am my OB convinced me that I should get an epidural. She said it would help me relax and could speed up the process. My body was apparently fighting to let go. I got the epidural and the next thing I knew I feel asleep.

Just after 7am on Friday February 6th, I woke up with an unbelievable pain and pressure! My eyes were wide open and I could not get to the call button fast enough. I pressed the nurse key… and then pressed it another 20 times (fully aware that doing so would not make any difference). The nurses could not get in there fast enough! It was time to push. Aaaaaand it was also shift change… thankfully our new nurse and Anna were there in a timely manner. I was relieved when they walked in. I never went to any labor or birthing classes, so I thought I’d be a bit lost in this department. However, my body knew what it was doing.

My water had not broken yet, and I didn’t want Anna to break it at first. I’m not really sure why I didn’t want her to. I guess I didn’t know that my water wouldn’t break on it’s own. Eventually I said she could because “my water” was coming out in tact. Not very comfortable. The time went so quickly after that point. (I vaguely recall that the nurse handing me the button to push for more epidural, which NO ONE TOLD ME I could push to get more medication).

I had been anxious to get to this moment, yet now that it was here I wasn’t ready. We did not want our hello to also be our goodbye. At 7:37am, Logan Palmer Wolverton was born into this world. The silence that followed was excruciating. What I would have given to hear Logan cry. To hear him breathe. For him to see our faces and hear us tell him that we love him.

Friends and family came in afterwards to check in on me. We took pictures, we held & kissed him and most importantly we loved him.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep took the pictures below

After everyone left, it was quiet again. No crying, no talking, no noise. Just silence. We waited for what felt like forever. We were waiting for the nurse to come back and draw my blood to check my H&H. Our nurse decided it was a good time to go on her lunch break and called the phlebotomist to do it instead. So we waited, and waited. The lab tech never came and our nurse ended up drawing our blood 60 minutes later. We couldn’t go home until we got the results which took another hour and a half. I debated leaving AMA (Against Medical Advice). The anxiety of being in that room was horrible. We couldn’t sit down. Stephen ended up turning over and cleaning the whole room. It was too hard to sit there and think about what had just transpired in that room.

My labs came back a little low, but nothing too abnormal so we could go. Our nurse brought me a wheelchair and we went to the elevator. We sat in front of it for five minutes and it never came. While we waited, the nurse asked if we wanted to go to the exit and press the button that plays the song “Twinkle Twinkle”. It is played when a baby is born and is moved to the nursery. We weren’t sure if we should, but we did anyways. I wanted the song to play, but for a different reason than most mom’s do. I cried so incredibly hard when the tune ended. It was time to go. So Stephen and I left the hospital that day. No baby Logan in our arms. Just a certificate with his name acknowledging his existence.

I barely remember the car ride home, it was a blurr. All I know is it was full of silence followed by hysterical tears, then back to silence. Walking in the front door of our house was odd. It felt like it had been a year since we left. Everything was the same, yet everything had changed. The feeling in my heart that night was beyond words. I remember going into my room later that night and seeing the crochet beanie I made for Logan. I honestly did not want to be here in this world any more. Our arms were empty and I was so overcome with grief. I remember kneeling in our closet crying and feeling that nothing would ever be okay again. I prayed and asked for healing and comfort.

Logan truly has changed us in more ways than we even realize. We miss him and love him and that will never change. God is good and we know that God does not make mistakes. This did not happen out of chance. There is a purpose for Logan’s short but very meaningful life. I can not wait to see him in heaven one day