The Neonatal Cardiologist- The day our Baby’s heart stopped
On Wednesday February 4th, 2015 we went to the long awaited cardiologist appointment for our baby boy. We were nervous but hopeful we would get more answers about my pregnancy and Logan. Stephen and I arrived at 8am and my mother arrived shortly after to accompany us.
A new cardiologist technician
A young lady brought us back to the ultrasound room. She told us she did regular echocardiograms, but was being trained to examine babies in utero. We also learned that the technician who was scheduled to see us, was not able to make it in, so we waited on another employee to come in and cover for her.
While the technician “practiced” (which we had agreed to), it was hard to see any distinct features on the screen. At the time, I thought that the tech just didn’t know what she was doing. I wasn’t paying close attention, but looking back I remember that I couldn’t see him moving.
When the echo/ ultrasound tech came in to do the scan, we were ready to get the 2 hour appointment going. I remember trying to look at the screen, but the way the room was set up, it was hard to see. Once I adjusted my position, she asked me if I was familiar with Logan’s trisomy 13 prognosis and everything that was going on. See his anatomy scan here.
At that time I thought she was curious, so I started rattling off the list of issues and diagnoses. She made a comment that I was very informed and impressed with how knowledgeable I was.
I looked at the screen again. There were lots of static lines below the main screen, followed by a few red and blue blurs on the next section. I was obviously not paying attention because now I know that was when they were trying to get his heart rate and see the blood flow.
After about only five minutes, she started wiping the gel off my stomach. I asked something along the lines of “how does he look” & “does he have a heartbeat”…..? Her response was that she was going to go get Dr. Park to come in.
The moment I knew my baby was gone
That was the moment I knew. My heart fell to the floor, the walls closed in and the flood gates opened. I tried to sit up and she said “let me help you so we can give you some support” I looked at Stephen and he had no idea what was going on. Before I had time to explain Dr. Park came in and said “I am so sorry for your loss”….. the tech let him know she hadn’t verified anything with us.
Dr. Park informed us that our baby’s heart had stopped beating. Logan was gone. The worst imaginable thing had happened. Our baby had died.
The feelings of that moment can’t be described in words. Words are not adequate for this amount of sadness.
Dr. Park then discussed the next steps. He said we now needed to worry about my health because there was the potential I could become very ill, depending on when he passed away.
I keep wondering when the exact moment he passed was. There is no way of knowing, but I have a pretty good idea. At work on Friday, I had help from a coworker (her name is also Sarah) to use the doppler to hear his heartbeat. It was beautiful. I layed there for what seemed like 10 minutes, just listening and loving him. I’m glad I took the time to do that, I had no idea it was the last time I would ever hear his tiny heart.
A special bond
The previous Sunday and Monday were very difficult for me. Both days I cried, uncontrollably. I slept through my alarms (which I never do) and was extremely sad and exhausted. There was no particular reason I felt that way. I can’t help but think that was my motherly instinct. That is was preemptive & I somehow had an inclination that the end was near. I believe it shows the bond mothers have with their baby. It is unlike any other feeling in the world.
My thought is that Logan left this earth very early Wednesday morning. Tuesday was his father’s birthday and he wanted to spend his last moments with us that night. Safe between his mother and father.
